America's Passed Time

Listening: The new Coheed & Cambria album, "The Afterman - Ascension." Outstanding effort, and they're following it up with another one in 4 months. Hoping for a nice long tour after that!

I've said it before: I consider myself a patient person. I’m pretty sure if you trace my family’s last name back to Basque country in Spain, my last name would translate into some form of meaning for “patience/to wait” (verb in Spanish for waiting is ‘esperar’). With that being said, there are some things that I have no patience for. Among other things, one of them is, unfortunately, watching baseball.⁽¹⁾

I know, I know. I’m a terrible American; a borderline traitor. More terrorist than citizen. Why don’t I just up and move to Canada, where it’s nothing but hockey 24/7/365 (even these days)? I can’t help it. There are a lot of factors that contribute to this disposition, and after years and years of talking it out with all my sport fan friends, I have compiled a list to try to help people understand my stance.

There are two things I should mention before I get on with this post. 1) I’m a hockey guy; that is to say it is far and away my favorite sport. 2) I played baseball for 8 or 9 years growing up. I played everywhere from 1st to 3rd to every outfield position, and occasionally short stop.⁽²⁾ I understand the game; how it’s played, the different scenarios, left versus right and balking. I know what the acronyms RISP, ERA, OBP, and WHIP stand for, and can probably do the formulas for most of them. I understood the infield fly rule as a child the first time I heard it. Point being, I get it. The thing is… I just don’t get it. Here are my problems with Major League Baseball as we know it, as well as my solution to fix the problem, if there is one:

1. IT’S TOO LONG⁽³⁾ - It’s as if the game was created specifically for fans who have ADHD. The average MLB game lasts a little under a fortnight. Yes, that was a hyperbole; I believe it’s closer to around 3 hours (as of this writing, it’s the bottom of the 9th inning of Game 1 of this year’s ALCS, and we are at 3 hours and 20 minutes). And you don’t want to even begin to think about extra innings, either; does anything sound worse than top of the 16th? When the action is as slow as it is in baseball, it’s going to lose my interest very quickly. SOLUTION: There are a bunch. A pitch clock would help; pitcher has to be in the motion of pitching before it goes down to 0 otherwise it’s a ball. If the batter is not ready by the time it goes down, it’s a strike. You could give teams a certain number of timeouts, so that the pitching coach can’t just come out and have a chat whenever he feels like it. Also, is there a reason that relief pitchers get to practice when they come out of the bullpen before they have to pitch to a batter? Isn’t that what they were just doing the entire time in the bullpen? When a goalie comes into a hockey or soccer game in relief effort, does he get to shoot around a bit?⁽⁴⁾
2. CONSISTENCY - One league has a DH, one doesn’t. When one team is home, they use it, when another is, they don’t. Why are the rules different per conference (AL and NL) if they are all a part of the same league (MLB)? Why is an easy out in one park a homerun in another? These are the things that I will never get. I’ve asked every avid baseball fan I know about these discrepancies, and the only answer I’ve gotten on either count is “That’s just how it’s always been.” Screw tradition; how about practicality? SOLUTION: Make the dimensions of the field, the height of the walls, and the rules the same for every team. If you’re all competing for the same thing, there should be a level playing field. Literally.
3. SALARY CAP - Or lack thereof. The Yankees to have a $200 million dollar payroll at the same time that half the teams in the league have a payroll under $90 million. I know this comes with the follow-up argument of “Well… if this was an issue, the team with the highest payroll would win the World Series every year.” Spare me. SOLUTION: Implement a salary cap. You can make it flexible if teams do make more money and are sharing profits, but there has to be a spectrum (tiers or brackets if you want to look at it that way), as in each team has to spend the cap floor, and there is a ceiling to how much you can spend as well. If a team is receiving profit sharing, their cap ceiling will be lower than the Phillies or the Red Sox.
4. PROFIT SHARING - This one is a little less clear cut. Yes, I know the Yankees make more money than some countries GDP, and that if they didn’t share their profits with the A’s or any of the other teams that make no money that the league would crumble. But this is America, and America’s pastime, and profit sharing is socialism, and socialism is unAmerican. I know the NHL has profit sharing too; but hockey was invented in Canada, and thus is Canadian. If you want to be the true American sport, pave the way with strong capitalism. SOLUTION: No profit sharing. Profit sharing is socialism and socialism is evil.⁽⁵⁾
5. EFFORT - I’m not sure this one has a solution. I just don’t like the fact that baseball players are one of the highest paid athletes, and they put forth the least amount of physical effort, as well as have the least likelihood of injury. Yes, I know the average NBA salary is more than the average MLB contract. At least they’re running somewhat consistently.
6. ACCOUNTABILITY - Umpires, I’m looking at you. I will admit that in recent years, with video review to get some important calls right, they have been better than before. All I’m saying is nothing is more maddening than watching at home seeing a missed or blown call. And the more it happens, the more pissed I get. That goes for any sport. SOLUTION: Not sure there is one. I’m not saying I want the human element to be taken out of the game; I like it when there’s an ump that’s known to call high strikes. But Safe/Out, Ball/Strike, and Fair/Foul are calls that need to be made right. And it sounds counter-intuitive to suggest video replay after my #1 beef was it takes too long. Maybe if they sped up play and added it, the games would still be 3 hours, but a little more action filled.
7. URGENCY - There are 162 games in a season. So not only are the games long, but they don’t mean anything significant. The season is that long, yet once a team in the playoffs, they only need to win 7 games to get to the World Series. If anything, make the season (way) shorter and the playoffs a marathon. SOLUTION: Pretty obvious. Shorten the season by however many games you want (something significant), but make the playoffs all best of 7 series.
8. STEROIDS - Is anyone fully convinced that steroids and the like are completely out of baseball? Because I’m not. The reputation was tarnished once already; this should never, ever be an issue again. SOLUTION: Test like crazy.
9. BRAWLING - Come on. For as many times as the benches clear, I’ve hardly ever seen an actual BRAWL. It’s all just pushing, jumping around, a lot of grabbing, not much actual fighting. Which is fine; I understand if you don’t want to emulate the UFC, but don’t waste our time all leaving the dugout just to do your best impression of a children’s soccer game.⁽⁶⁾ SOLUTION: Both teams lose the game if the benches clear. Throw down or stay put.
10. CALM DOWN - This one has nothing to do with the MLB, but rather any and every little league across the country. How many times have you heard of a coach or a rogue baseball dad losing it, getting violent, melting down and setting a terrible example for the kids as well as setting us back a couple hundred years as mentally evolved beings? People take it a little too seriously. SOLUTION: Is there one? Can we attach strict penalties for this being around children and in public places? Maybe anyone who is deemed by a jury of their peers to have acted inappropriately in front of children can be registered as a child sex offender; I bet that would right the ship pretty quickly.

I want to like baseball; and in fact, there are some things I do like about it. I like the battle between pitcher and hitter, both mentally and based on their talent. I like it when a catcher can throw the hell out of someone trying to steal a base. More than anything, I love seeing a complete and total meltdown by a coach or manager when he runs onto the field and screams at people.⁽⁷⁾ But if you want to be a baseball fan, you can’t watch 10 games a year. I watch 10 games a year and I say that I can’t stand it. You have to watch around 100-120 games to be die-hard in my opinion; that’s a lot of summer hours in front of a TV. Not having a sport to follow during the summer makes me in front of a TV less, which in turn makes me appreciate and enjoy the warm weather more. After typing that sentence, I realize that converting me to a full-fledged baseball fan is going to be even harder than anticipated. Oh well, the first step is always admitting you have a problem; I have made it clear that I have several problems with America’s pastime. Don’t look at it as complaining, whining, belly-aching or bitching; think of it as constructive criticism from an outside perspective.

1. That isn’t to say I don’t watch any baseball; I usually watch the World Series every year no matter what. I figure that it’s actually important enough, and it’s only a maximum of 7 games. Only as long as it doesn’t interfere with Devils hockey.
2. Ironically, Baseball and Basketball, the two sports that I am not a fan of at the professional level, were the only two sports I played growing up; 9 and 7 years, respectively. I played street hockey as a kid with my friends, and never played anything more than a pickup game of football (or even flag), yet those are the ones that I am a fan of. Except golf; love playing, love watching.
3. That’s what she said!

   …sorry.

4. Yes, I do know that some of these points have been made before; a couple different times.
5. I am constantly reminded how hard it is to convey sarcasm via typing.
6. Although, if there were no bench clearing, then this wouldn't have happened. And my sense of humor is thankful that it did.
7. Diamond Lou Pinella is my all time favorite. I miss him terribly. Also... I know I’m in the minority, but I like Ozzie Guillen. That pun was not intended.