Old Man Yells at Blog
I dunno bout you...but I'm feelin 32! My birthday has always been one of my favorite days of the year, along with the start of the NHL season, new South Park episodes, and the first snowfall. 32 is a weird age... older people tell you you’re still young, but then you see or talk to actual young people and you realize you’re definitely NOT. As we get older, the things we want for our birthdays change so much; at 21 I wanted to go to the bar and take shots of Kamikazes and SoCo/lime. Since those close to me knew my birthday was coming up, I’ve been asked the question what I wanted for it, and for the first time in my life my list doesn’t include material things like a new snowboard or golf clubs. I thought about this for a while. Here is a list of things I want for my birthday at 32:
- I want to know why I’m 32 and I am just finding out that I share a birthday with Bill Murray. Seriously... Bill Murray, the best guy ever. I’ve spent 32 years on this planet not knowing this. Unacceptable. Other famous people born today: H.G. Wells, Maggie Grace, Stephen King, Carlton from Fresh Prince, Rob Morrow, Dave Coulier, and Liam Gallagher. I also thought Liam and Noel Gallagher were twins up until today; not just brothers. Figures that Noel is a Gemini.
- Speaking of this planet... I want humans to stop being fucking assholes to it. Not everyone who appreciates nature is a hippy; I want kids someday, and if you do too then the environment should be something that concerns you. There is zero, and I mean ZERO reason to not transition to clean energy for the entire planet. When we lose Florida and Manhattan to the Atlantic and mankind is fighting over access to water, no one is going to say “Well... at least our taxes didn’t go up.”
- I want the following bands to release new music this year: Converge, Poison the Well, Moving Mountains, BLACK BREATH. I’ll settle for just one of these.
- I want anyone who hasn’t sent their wedding RSVP for my wedding to please go ahead and do that. It was due 3 days ago and I have a meeting with my venue tomorrow where this guy is gonna break my balls. At least send me a text or SOMETHING. Shit.
- Also, while we are on the topic... I want everyone who wasn’t invited to my wedding and wishes they were to know that I do too. Seriously. These are not easy decisions, and you all know me so you know if I had my way I’d have a 500 person wedding and be broke until Florida is underwater. Don’t make me feel bad about it, please. We are still friends, I promise. Unless you hate me now, in which case... IDK just don’t hate me; I have a complex.
- I want to know why I have 1,535 Facebook friends and NONE of you pointed out that the Earth, Wind, and Fire song September starts off with “Do you remember, the 21st night of September”. THAT IS MY BIRTHDAY. Specifically, Erica Leary, David Colas, Jase Robert, Mark Bolen, and Ashaleen Noriega. This is also your birthday, so you are more accountable than the other 1,530. I bet Bill Murray knew this.
- I want this election OVER with already. Really don’t think I care who wins anymore. Also...
- I want 3rd Party candidates in Presidential debates. Not because I really think anything is going to happen this time around (or next even), but eventually someone is going to come along that isn’t a complete imbecile that wants to do good. At least... I hope. If Gargamel and Voldemort don’t start throwing feces at each other, that should be considered a win for America.
- I want Apple to fix iOS10 and fix it fast. It’s garbage. Pure garbage. Will the next Steve Jobs please stand up? I repeat... will the next Steve Jobs please stand up?
- I want people who are rallying against police lately to realize something: in my area this weekend there were 3 (yes, 3) bombings. Those bombings produced a total of ZERO deaths, and within 48 hours the suspect of two of the bombings was in handcuffs in an ambulance. This is largely due to GREAT efforts by law enforcement. AND they took the guy alive (as they should... common sense) despite a crazy shootout. It’s never been harder to be a cop. If you think you know about police work or how to do their job better... do yourself a favor and instead of posting Facebook statuses, go talk to a cop. Pick their brain. Ask them questions. Find out about procedures, policies, rights, and training. It’s not an easy job. You’re not a cop. You don’t know everything. They’re human.
- I also want law enforcement to for once call a spade a spade. How many videos do you need to see? The guy in Tulsa... that’s manslaughter. Don’t tell me he was reaching for something. Don’t tell me about his criminal record. Don’t try to explain the reasons why it’s possible that the story they told when it happened changed when the video was released. People are not stupid. We know you deal with shitty people most of the time. It’s okay to admit flaws. This is how you grow as a person (I admitted before that I have a complex, nothing bad happened). The majority of cops are good. There are some that aren’t. When they aren’t... it’s magnified. You’re doing more harm than good when you cover for them. It’s worse for you, your job, your safety as well. And then you get mad when a backup quarterback who was good for MAYBE 8 games takes a knee. I didn’t say his name, but you know who I’m talking about because he decided to stand for something. Or sit for something... IDK you get the fucking point.
- I want you all to know I shot the best golf round of my life last week. Took Friday off to use that Groupon I posted a while back and played Knob Hill. With a friend who is a cop. I shot an 86. He shot worse than that. But he didn’t shoot anybody, so overall I’d say it was a good day.
- I want you to take the stick out of your ass if that joke offended you. Here, maybe watching this or this will help.
- I want you all to listen to the two most recent episodes of my podcast. One involves an interesting story from a very funny guy, and one involves a funny interview from a very interesting guy. Neither guy is me. https://soundcloud.com/sticktobeer
- I want one Tomi Lahren video that goes viral to include her talking to someone else. Seriously, does she ever have any Penultimate Thoughts? I’m genuinely asking, I don’t know anyone that watches her show. I don’t even know if she has a show. Are there guests on it? Do they ever disagree with her? She is such a microcosm of our national conversation nowadays; she says her side, she says it condescendingly with an attitude, and no one is allowed to offer a rebuttal. All in 2 minutes. This goes back to the other issue: don’t talk AT people. Talk TO people. The hard part of talking to people is it requires that you LISTEN to them as well.
- I want the New Jersey Devils to make the playoffs this year. And I think they will. Ray Shero is what Lou was 20 years ago.
- I want to stage dive/crowd surf at my wedding. And I’m going to. Jason Jani said I could and John Jon Arcara is gonna record it.
Alright 1,300 words is enough. I guess more than anything I wanted to get a lot off my chest. I already feel more nimble! Happy International Day of Peace everyone. Peace out!
